Thursday, March 31, 2005
When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.
Today, i wanted to learn something of importance to me, as seen from my 2 previous wooly entries. And the universe conspired to teach me its wealth.
The truth of the affair is such:
"If what one finds is made of pure matter, it will never spoil. And one can always come back.
If what you had found was only a moment of light, like the explosion of a star, you would find nothing on your return" - and it wouldn't matter.
Today i grieved the possibility of missing out.
Of not experiencing home.
Of not ever fully understanding what it means to come home.
Of never feeling at home.
I still do.
"How...?" I bleated to the skies.
But as my mind works, processing all that this world and its creator seek to tell me, i break out from the surface of suffocation and suck in the air that fills my lungs.
I have emerged.
Peaceful once again.
When all else fails and nobody can answer the questions of the heart, turn once more to the hand that wrote it all.
And as i did so, the universe fell silent, and i decided not to speak further.
For there, i was home.
*****
There is a longing
Only you can fill
A raging tempest
Only you can still
My Soul is thirsty Lord
To know you as i'm known
Drink from the river
That flows before your throne
Take me deeper
Deeper in love with you
Jesus hold me close in your embrace
Take me deeper
Deeper than i've ever been before
I just want to love you more and more
How i long to be deeper in love
Ali
11:38 PM
Alice breathes again..
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3n37h0u3
myo
y95
3n37
Z0n39
w3
1
y9n3
a71n3v
9m9h
I don't want you to be next.
Ali
6:43 PM
Alice breathes again..
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There is a longing..
Only you can fill...
did you forget about me?
Ali
6:19 PM
Alice breathes again..
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Wednesday, March 30, 2005
"HEADLINE: MURDER, YOUNG GIRL DEAD!"
I think there is something severly wrong with me.
I must be destined to spend eternity void of human company.
One by one the fluffy clean clouds
Cave in to a dark, dreary mood
As if mocking, they slowly taunt
"did you really think you could?"
You have to keep them out you see,
They creep and take and destroy
We have to build a barracade
An armour built of Troy
They want to sneak in behind our backs
Coming in through the space between
The security grill of childhood and trust
And the knowledge of a jaded has-been
As the light dissipates you will slowly fade back into consciousness..
RED ALERT! RED ALERT!
SOUND THE ALARMS!
Adult spotted in the distance...
haven't you realised what a child i really am..?
Ali
8:45 AM
Alice breathes again..
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Tuesday, March 29, 2005
I have added another album under my BUGGS link. Check it out!
1) Steven's Confirmation
2) Post Crystal Jade
3) Jin Wee
4) Hagaan Dazz
5) Flowers
P.S. Sleepover pics not in yet. Sorry i'm lagging.
Enjoy!
Ali
12:46 AM
Alice breathes again..
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Monday, March 28, 2005
Back on my feet again, i go into the unreal world..
The easter weekend has passed and i feel rejuvenated.
Had a brief discussion with a friend who lamented about how lent has little meaning to her this year because she has been too busy to reflect on it.
Agreed. So i decided to do something about it.
As we watched the perfect orange circle rise from the peaceful molten sea, i couldnt help but think about my Father's Son.
Having 3 bodies to shield me from the increasing heat emitted from its glare, i didn't break a sweat nor release a sunshine frown.
The nearer you get to Him, the greater your suffering. The further you are, the easier your path. For it is wide and winding, not straight and narrow.
We watched the gaseous ball rise higher and higher, until one by one, we could look no more.
His holiness is so immense, that we simply cannot look him in the face; but instead, turn away, ashamed.
As i shared my thoughts with my company, one of them pondered - why is it all bad and negative? That can't be right..
We thought for seconds, then concluded.
Well, you get the vitamin D. You cannot do without it; It norishes you from within, even though you cannot see it.
Praise be to God!
Ali
1:54 PM
Alice breathes again..
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Friday, March 25, 2005
Olive oil can feel like a silk shawl.
As it slips and slides over the feminine frame, as if smoothing out every awkwardness and edge. And making everything feel liquid and in motion.
I feel myself drunkard, yet in control
Uncertain, yet willing
Almost desperate
yet holding back still
As i start my journey of exploration and self-discovery, my physical form gives way to my spiritual existence.
My body twists and arches and stretches..
..It relaxes and hangs and flows
But my inner soul tells a more complex story that leaks out with each breath of formation
Chocolate
Like a second skin over my own.
Dark chocolate on milk chocolate, streaked like the strips of the tiger i am
I have never felt more dressed.
ingenue.. exotique...
provocation
My love affair with myself has begun
Ali
8:10 PM
Alice breathes again..
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Thursday, March 24, 2005
Why does man carry on his worthless shoulders, the unnecessary burdens of this life.
the vast consequences of the action
the talk of the other
the insecurities of the self
the uncertainties of the future
These days i am faced with unreconciled pasts.
What we have here, is failure to communicate..
Some men you just can't reach... (quote from civil war)
People who are so bent on pulling others down with them, and rubbing their faces in the mud of this sorry earth.
Those who clip the wings of those who have taken off from this universe to the eternal one above, and force them in cages of this fallen world.
People who cannot see beyond this lifetime; who's kingdom of God exists only in a teenage memory, in their dusty, untouched Bible, or in Second Coming.
The Kingdom of God is current and present here, now. And it is a work-in-progress. Just because you have chosen to misplace it, please stop trying to snatch away others' precious treasure of freedom in Christ.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because then...
you will be like the birds that came and ate up the scattered seeds.
or the thorns, which grew up and choked the plants.
Jesus said:
"The secret of the kingdom of God has been given to you.
But to those on the outside everything is said in parables."
Is this just another elusive parable to you?
For your sake and for the sake of the company you keep, i hope not.
the words of faith you profess are only as strong as the actions that back them up.
Ali
11:44 AM
Alice breathes again..
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You are a Hippie. Wow.
What kind of Sixties Person are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Finally a quiz result i'm happy with. Haha.
Ali
11:38 AM
Alice breathes again..
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Wednesday, March 23, 2005
That you will hold me dear
Though i'm far away...
Friends should be permanently joined to one another, locked in a warm embrace.
God knows, we need hugs more than we think we do.
It is that close proximity of souls that ignite a strange sensation of relief, where, for that split moment, you cross over into each others' realm of existence and invade the space between.
And for that brief second or two, without so much as a dime of effort on either party's part, each feels... understood.
For speaking is labourous and smiling is dishonest. And time is a worthy enemy.
I am going insane with the secular requirements of this earth. Not quite on top of it all, not quite falling behind, but definately taking the toil of lugging my soul back down here in bid to fulfill what others deem i must.
Next time you see me, give me a tight squeeze. Then maybe you'll understand.
God knows, we both need it.
= i
Ali
8:02 AM
Alice breathes again..
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Sunday, March 20, 2005
I have added a new photo link featuring my church people, especially my cell group. You guys can save the pictures from there. Those of you who have been bugging me for pics of my new hair, i'm there as well [but only a tiny one haha =)]. If you took pictures do send them over so i can add it in my album ya?
I've also added a new link that features my favourite entries from the previous blog. I will be deleting that blog permanently, so i wanted to save some real entries that came straight from my heart. I hope that when you have the time you would read them, maybe they might speak to you.
ta-ta
Ali
4:46 PM
Alice breathes again..
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Saturday, March 19, 2005
This feeling inside me..
Finally found my life, I'm finally free
No longer torn in two..
Living my own life by learning from you..
I've berated myself for long enough. It has to come to an end.
Today as i watched the young girls take on the game of love i once indulged in, i felt peace within me.
No longer struggling to decide whether or not to be in the game, no longer feeling the nudging pangs of teenage angst.
It is finally done. My days of flitting through life, chasing after that shapless cloud of affection have come to an end.
I have lived my life at the mercy of others for too long.
And the others, they were everywhere...
in the clothes that i wore
in the reads that i bought
in the phonecalls i made
in the letters i wrote
in the presents i wrapped
in the smiles that i faked
in the obligations i undertook
I lived like a stage actress my whole teenage life.
Face plastered behind the mask i felt i needed to wear.
As i at last, strip myself bear of all the unnecessary burdens i have brought upon myself throughout the years from 13 onwards, i feel almost... naked...
And like all the responses i've given to every one of those ghastly "Why did you cut your hair??!"s, I am going to finally be truthful:
I don't want to be a pretty girl anymore. It never was who i am.
My pretty girl life started at 13, when i won the affection of little adoring boys (bless their souls).
That was when all the lies started as well. The face you saw, the smile you loved, the flair, the flattery and all that pizzazz.
It was all an act. A physical manifestation of sorts.
and today it ends.
because i want someone in love with my mind. And that is something i have fiercely protected from the others.
And today, i will go back to when i was an uncertain young girl, still finding her way around life. With nothing to her name, except the hearts she doodles on scrap paper, and the shy glances across her shoulders.
And a mind full of stars, sparkles and purple skies.
Cheers, darlin'...
Ali
6:03 PM
Alice breathes again..
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Thursday, March 17, 2005
Coincidence i can't believe.. as my childhood dreams slowly comes true..
Today i spent the morning sitting on my bedroom floor, immersed in my childhood diaries.
I read the blue ink that formed many pictures on the lined, crumpled white pages; pictures that go from squashed daddy-long-legs of anger and humiliation to tiny straight houses of matured realisations, and languid ballerinas of dreamy romance.
And then I panicked. Because i had forgotten.
Over the course of growing up, i have discovered something about myself.
Blessing or curse, i'm stuck with it.
Call it STM or growing old, or simply taking it easy
the truth is - i have a really lousy memory.
I forget everything. Good things, bad things, everything.
That special movie, those lovely surprises, that rumor passed, that first kiss, that betrayal, that romantic scene, that present, that effort...
Same old, same old... all old, left cold.
And then i'd feel very heartless, like i don't appreciate the effort of mankind.
But really, when i think about it, i realise that this is just me. I don't have the brain space to record down material details, and much less the stupidity of others.
My mind is on other more important things.
.
.
.
.
.
Like the "be-still-my-heart"s
Or the "it felt like springtime on a febuary morning.."s
Or the "Woo Hoo! Livin' on a Prayer.."s
and "i look to my eskimo friend.."s
Or "One wild night.. crazy bout' the moonlight.."s
Even the "I will be still, know you are God.."s
and of course "star light, star bright, first star i see tonight.."s
I'm really a moment receiver. If you want to make me happy, give me a moment that i can capture forever in my mind.
That silent companionship
That slow walk
That easy bus ride
That understanding gaze
That comforting hand
That single nod
That reluctant goodbye
That painful "alright"
Memories, i record in my diary.
But moments, i keep them forever.
They tide me through rough living and bring reassurances of hope and peace.
And some people i've met, they leave me so many memories, but i can't remember any of them.
And yet a few angels; moments, moments, moments...
Sometimes, the blank spaces speak so much more.
Ali
11:40 AM
Alice breathes again..
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Wednesday, March 16, 2005
She's like the wind through my tree...
Stop trying to ensnare me.
Leave what has been imortalised to live, like a low mist hanging over our heads.
Stop trying to gather this mist and blow it in my face
For now it just feels like desert dust!
Leave the dead to be laid to rest.
Stop digging up an empty grave, searching for the carcass to hold and embrace, and breathe life into once more.
I am running, running in the space between. You cannot catch me.
Nani-nani-poo-poo!
And if you come dangerously close, i will go twist!
It is as they say, cmi.
fyi.
Ali
1:26 PM
Alice breathes again..
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I can't take my eyes off you... can't take my eyes off you...
Can't take my mind off you..
A sweetness surrounds me.
Dear Lord, help me to embrace the moment and totally immerse my senses in it..
It'll be over before we know it.
Ali
12:42 AM
Alice breathes again..
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Monday, March 14, 2005
Come away where they can't tempt us... with their lies...
Have we all been molded to such an extent that consciously or unconsciously, we possibly act out what we perceive to be the appropriate way to behave?
Towards a friend
Towards a boy
Towards a teacher
Towards a lover
Towards a parent
Towards a superior
Towards a pet
And what if i don't act? Will i be misunderstood? Will i be later blamed for causing undue thoughts and actions for another?
What if i can find someone i can be myself with. Must i still act out the role i have been bestowed with?
And what's worst, is that someone acting?
Ali
3:13 PM
Alice breathes again..
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Sunday, March 13, 2005
There's a girl in the mirror, her face is getting clearer...
Sometimes i just want to slap myself.
There should come a point when i realise that i can't be 10 years old anymore.
That people will talk, and people will judge. And people see me as a 21-fucking-year-old adult.
And just when i thought the world had pretty pretty rainbows and blue skies and tiny elves scampering through the tall grass.
But really, is there no one who will enter my sandbox?
Ali
12:48 AM
Alice breathes again..
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Saturday, March 12, 2005
The Miracle:
I remember the first time she came to me
Poured her soul out all night and cried
I remember I was told there's a new love that's born
For each one that has died...
There is something very private about a passion. Passions come alive when they are shared. But somehow, sharing it invades in the private moment you have with that passion.
Sometimes, you look at someone and you know, you just know that there is a common thread of passion joining the two souls. You want to confirm it, but yet you turn away too quickly, unable to venture further, for fear that the passion will no longer be yours and yours alone.
I lament about how nobody understands and how we are intrinsically alone at the end of the day. Yet i’ve come to accept that I am not alone in harboring those thoughts. There are many like minded individuals; I can feel their presence lurking all around me.
The pair of fearful eyes across the seminar room
The multiple silver rings on weathered fingers
The fan names on a favorite website
The faint glimpse into the sky
The contemplative gaze whilst sipping tea
It’s not that I am unfriendly. But as much as I can feel the connection, I can also sense the unwillingness to ever cross over into that clandestine chamber of secret thoughts and whispered prayers...
But for now, for what it's worth, allow me to repost something i wrote before. It was on thoughts that followed a moment of intrusion by another soul.
But what a wonderful infringement it was.
And even if it was for sporadic moments, thank you for getting it, and sticking around to get it somemore.
Like what you said, it is the precious and delicate moments of understanding that gives one hope in times of being alone..
This one's for you.
*Written 1st Feb 2005*
What is more important than spending time with myself, is spending time with a friend who gets it..
"To get it is something that doesnt require brains
It is not a theory you learn from one who trains
It is not about having the exact same taste
Not nodding with agreement in such haste
It doesnt require many great debates
or going out on regular dinner dates
Getting it is something that just happens
Like an ocean that suddenly deepens
You grasp and claw, excited and shocked
That familiarity from a stranger has knocked
You feel your way around
carefully treading until you're found
And then you realise you really are floating
Not drowning and turning green from bloating
Feeling safe, you can now finally know
That Life is a friend and not a foe
For the meeting of minds has occured
And the cry of the soul has been heard
From there you can now swim free
And just be who you really want to be..
To get it is to understand
To be silent, still and to hold my hand..."
-end-
Ali
1:07 PM
Alice breathes again..
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Friday, March 11, 2005
Tech Support: Yes, ... how can I help you?
Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me though the process?
Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?
Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What Do I do first?
Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?
Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?
Tech Support: What programs are running ?
Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, LowSelf-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.
Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longr disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Canyou tell me how?
Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?
Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error -Program not run on external components. "What should I do?
Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.
Customer: So, what should I do?
Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.
Customer: Okay, done.
Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?
Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thingbefore we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.
Customer: Thank you, God.
**********
Haha i just love this piece because it totally reflects a technical idiot like me.
Ali
12:20 PM
Alice breathes again..
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Thursday, March 10, 2005
Ms Anita Date
Human Resource Manager
INSAP Inc.
593 Polish Avenue
Singapore 899787
March 10, 2005
Dear Madam
RE: Withdrawal from the International Network of Single and Available People
This is to inform you that I wish to withdraw from the International Network of Single and Available People with immediate effect.
Your services have been far too efficient for my busy schedule and my occupied mind. I have completed the final payments for subscription and would henceforth cease to make further payments for the continuation of this program.
Kindly see to it that I am strictly placed in the Unavailable until Future Confirmation category of your online dating site. In fact, if you could arrange it, i would like my profile taken off the charts altogether.
I expect not to receive anymore marriage proposals, , date offerings, suggestive compliments, sentimental smses or naked pictures of prospective partners from the above date onwards.
Thank you for your kind understanding. I do commend the effort and the speed of the organisation, and would most definately consider your expertise in the near future. However, as of now, I look forward to having some peace and quiet in my life.
Yours sincerely
Alice Portrait
Ali
5:35 PM
Alice breathes again..
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But nothing's perfect, nothing ever is...
My jogging reflects some parts of me. As if i have nothing else to work out in my little brain, everytime i jog, i analyze what each step speaks about my personality.
It takes great pain for me to jog on a beaten track. I loath it. Each time i know im supposed to finally back-track and head in the direction towards home, i trudge on ahead, unwilling to retrace the steps i've once taken.
I wonder why.
I much prefer jogging through small streets past tiny houses than along open roads and tall trees. Jogging in the open makes me feel too small for this world. Like my skinny legs couldn't possibly bring me through this life.
I wonder why.
Jogging whilst cars speed past gives me motivation. And it makes me feel lost and girly. Jogging past stationary humans makes me snobbish. And it makes me feel disgustingly high. But the best things to jog past, are working adults in office wear, waiting at the bustop.
Ha Ha.
Today after jogging, i felt giddy and pukish. And suddenly i was transported back to all those cursed 2.4km runs. Perhaps it was all the phlegm in my lungs, perhaps it was because the only thing sitting in my stomach was pei pa kao. Perhaps it was the suddenly race i took to beat the traffic lights. Or perhaps i am secretly dying of some chronic illness.
...
Time Out.
Missing Lunarin last night was a major boo boo for me. It always excites me to wonder if i could ever open my soul again to foreign music. Like heading out on another first date, secretly wishing, but also going "Naaaaah..." in your head whilst shaking it. And what better way to judge than to go live? But nevertheless, the company i kept was great and the movie that substituted was perfect. Everyone who has a tragic childhood story stuck somewhere in your head, please watch it.
Oh! And i've most recently been reunited with my beloved Lucy Peale again. As i feel her gingerly with my fingers, and carress her with my gaze, i'm transported back to myself. Where many hours of musing and whimsical wonders circle in my 12-year-old head.
*Thank you MrD, it's perfect.*
Ali
10:56 AM
Alice breathes again..
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Wednesday, March 09, 2005
tell it like you still believe
that the end of the century
brings a change for you and me
Even when unwilling, i am sucked into the story of O, the endless cycle of destructive relationships. Be it me, being the destroyer, or the one destructed. But really, is there a point of distinction? Life is not kind as to give us a fixed identity to hold on to. For the line clouds and we find ourselves on either side, or on both sides at once. And sometimes on neither, yet still put there by others.
but I'm not a miracle
and you're not a saint
just another soldier
on the road to nowhere
Why do we still try then?
I am searching for a point outside this force that runs our hearts.
That holds something precious and venerates it to the point where that in itself will suffice.
If you love me, will you point me in that direction?
Will you lead me there please..
Ali
12:06 AM
Alice breathes again..
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Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Take me home...
DT is back up. And i am back home. Almost wistful that it never ended. Yet dying inside to see the people i've missed. I guess as much as i believe myself to be void of emotions, i cannot shake away fond thoughts of good friends and family, and counting myself lucky to have someone to go home to.
I won't be going into detail about what happened over there, but ill be posting pictures that hopefully will be more useful than mere words.
The highlight of my trip has to be yesterday, hours before the concert. I had some time to spare and wasn't needed for anything. They told me to get some shut-eye, but i knew better what i wanted to do. I wanted to walk the streets myself.
And so i headed out alone in Beijing. I jay-walked just like the locals, and bargained better than them. I weaved inbetween the crowds and even read some road signs.
Armed with a prayer, i ventured 3 streets away from the hotel. It wasn't much, but it was sufficient for me to get a sampling of self-relience, freedom, and self-love.
I absolutely LOVED the moment. It was so surreal. Observing a country at work.
And then i got mini-lost. I suddenly realised that all the damn chinese characters looked the same. That all the signboards glared in me in a foreign way. And that the street was becoming less friendly.
After a second of panic, i realised that it was only so far my aching feet could have taken me, and slapped myself for overestimating this simple city. So i asked the friendly policeman, who confidently directed me straight ahead. My gut feeling (yes, the all powerful one) told me he was speaking rubbish, but the little girl in me told me to trust. And so i surged on. And got even more lost. I was even tempted to take the forbidden, don't-ever-get-into-one-alone taxi, with the rough looking man drivers. Finally i approached a decent looking hotel and got pointed in the right direction (completely opposite from dear police man).
Back at the concert venue, the nice things i could take with me were the interaction with those working in Beijing. They spoke candidly of the worker's attitude there and how patience as a boss is a must, or you risk losing your hair and your sanity. I met a short, round and bald Indian man with a hooked nose, who spoke English and Mandarin, and Indian fluently - and interchangably. It was amusing watching him spring into action, directing his catering crew to set up this and that, in preparation for the band's dinner.
In total i made two errors as an employee. Firstly, i cut my hair and expected everyone to still recognise me. They didnt. And as a result of that, picking up Norah, and the 25 strong team she landed with, amidst flashing cameras and horrid reporters was a nightmare. Nobody listened to my instruction and everyone thought i was press. Ha ha. And i was clueless that it was all because of my hair! So, instead of riding in the first car, with Norah and Mike the manager, i was struck in the last bus, with the baggage. And a very angry Boss.
The second error was waking Adam Stuart, the band member at 7am, instead of Adam Wilkes, one of the 3 men mentioned above. But Adam was cool, as most guitarists are.
Oh and yes, the boss did try some monkey business, but i handled it. And Dave, the one i trust, gave me a hug before i left them, and said - "Im proud of you."
"Why?" i mused.
"Because you stood up to the devil and didn't sell you soul to him."
And at that, we both cracked up.
I guess this trip has taught me that other humans really are all around us. That differences sometimes are beautiful, and sometimes, necessary for one to love what has been bestowed on them.
But most of all, i've learnt that it really is not about being strong, and independent and brave, nor is it about being weak, and dependent, and helpless.
Being a woman, it really is about finding that strange space between the two, the fine balance of both identities. And realising that such a balance should not be viewed as unfair and stupid, but as wonderful and special. That i am previledged to be allowed to hang in limbo, and even admired for doing so with poise and grace.
Ali
12:30 PM
Alice breathes again..
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Sunday, March 06, 2005
My favourite thing in Beijing are the trees.
They are white and skinny and bare.
After touching down, my mind was feeling pretty heavy with heavy duty prayer in the skies. I managed to get 3 seats to myself cos a family moved away, so i could sprawl out and sleep.
Halfway through the night i stretch my legs and find myself kicking the bottom of an old Chinese woman. Those kind with the really scary wrinkled face. Half in slumber, she wacked my feet and i drifted back to sleep. That woman had stolen my aisle seat!
Anyway. The airport was scary. I think the officer couldn't recognise me cos of the long hair in my passport photo. So i got stopped twice and had to have my baggage checked. Bummer. The fact that i was stammering in Singaporean chinese, competing with his tongue twirled variations didn't help either.
So far, i've met 3 guys: Adam, Nathaniel and Simon. They are white men based in Beijing. Nat speaks fluent mandarin and looks like a mountain tracker/meditator/hippie in his head, in Nepal. He has a skin head in a beanie, is lean and tall, and wears a green Nepali scarf all day long. His lips are cute and kissable and his eyes look like they want to know everything. As you've probably guessed, Nat is my favourite. *Heeeheeee* (And yes i've had many thoughts of hearing an insistent knock at my hotel room and opening it to him, declaring his undying love for the girl who shed her locks). But somehow, everytime i see them, i have this overwhelmingly insatiable urge to grab them and hug them, or rather, have them hug me.
It's crazy and totally uncharacteristic of me i know. So allow me to venture an explaination. Perhaps it is because i feel vulnerable and alone in this place of rough men who do not give women the respect they deserve. In fact, i want to hug every red-blooded man i see, who speak decent English. and treat me like a lady. Simply because i'm happy they are there. And i want to feel safe. And perhaps this illustrates the importance i place on men in my life and on this earth, and my need to feel taken care of and cherished.
There is a mystery in China that lingers in the air. Perhaps it is from all the stories i've read that are based in China. Walking along the streets at night, the icy wind tearing at my neck and through my short hair to my scalp, i feel contemplative. And very much the heroine again.
I see the worker ants, their faces lined with struggles of daily living. I see traffic that bears no regard for lives. I see rough, rough behavior.
But the streets are clean, and the food is fine. And my chinese has seen better days, but it's getting me by.
I could never live here.
As my room mate lies in slumber on the bed next to mine, i feel a wave of tiredness come over me. I must rest.
The China air is getting to me.
Ali
11:55 PM
Alice breathes again..
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Saturday, March 05, 2005
Hello everyone!
I've made it successfully to
.
.
.
.
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Gate D41 Singapore.
Haha.
Im scared of the China men. They are very rough and they talk too loudly and they cut queue.
I feel very insignificant amongst them.
Sob.
I hope i sit next to someone nice, slim, fragrant, quiet.
Someone hot and charming would be a plus point too.
If hot, he should speak English
If not, he should be mute or speak some foreign language, hence forcing a mere head nodding greeting and more head nods for toilet breaks.
*thank you for seeing me off! I feel so important and like i'm going on some long amazing trip!!* Adds to the experience la... haha.
Anyway while i'm gone, the following is your duty roster.
Miss Clark: Please keep track of any school updates, if i got caught for any cheating, if i get nominated president, or of any new dance clubs forming in school
Mr Damien: Please keep up with the divine intervention and telepathic jokes. For the record. God flued/flewed.
Erm. I cant think of any and the internet c0untdown timer is ticking away.
Ok this is the last goodbye. Goodbye clean toilets, nice Singaporean gentlemen, dark skin people, nice speech, orderly queues.
hello China. I'll survive.
And anytime you want to think of me, think of me Happy...
Ali
11:21 PM
Alice breathes again..
|
Trying to break free...
Tonight I fly to Beijing.
Alone.
If my plane crashes,
I still love you
I will always love you
I love you
Keep the Faith
Peace Out
Ali
4:24 PM
Alice breathes again..
|
And within but a few hours
two connected can face each other, strangers
With all that's left, a gaze of a memory
And a strange sweetness of sorrow
If abit more time is all you can provide, then you best leave me alone...
~Finding Neverland~
No DT lyrics today. My mind is preoccupied with love.
Ali
1:08 AM
Alice breathes again..
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Thursday, March 03, 2005
There's a girl in the mirror... Her face is getting clearer...
Young child won't you tell me why I'm here?
In her eyes- I sense a story never told...
Family is and always will be a necessary, destructive force, i've realised.
For all the times i've spent talking with you
And laughing with you
And tickling and carressing you
For all the nights i spent crying with you
And getting excited with you
And falling asleep with you...
For all the times ive defended you...
Did you know that i cried and lost my mind
When i found out you were leaving me behind?
As if everything we've built and made
Can and should be left to fade...
And i didn't even hear it from you.
I know that this is truly your thing
To the responsibility you want to cling
Without having to seek me again
And think upon yourself, with disdain
But I never asked to be your parent
To always keep you from being burnt
You just always were the child
So meek, so mellow and so mild
But do you really not remember "Jenny and Lydia" - when I was a child...?
You were the only childhood i knew
The one from whom i took the que
Until i realised what i had to be
- Everything except truly me
I look at you now, living in zen
And i see the same child i knew back then
I'm so happy that you can remain
Locked up, safe, and away from pain
But where is the child you knew
She resides amongst the morning dew
Known only to her secret mind
For everything else they take, they bind
To this family now:
The child who once laughed and one sung and once cheered
The girl who once dared and once tried and never feared
The Entertainer, the child, she's passed away
Because You never gave her the time of the day.
~to my sister, the one who should have been borned next~
* * * * * * * * * *
And Picto, I've found another recepient of this song. But indulge with me once more will you?
Don't you forget about me/Don't you forget all our dreams
We were soft and young/ In a world of innocence
Don't you forget about me/ Dont' you forget all our dreams
Now you've flown away/ Only emptiness remains
~era The Mass~
P.I did a short research and have come to realise that most people's first few blog entry involves some sort of a resolution to remain single. *scratches head* Anyone care to comment on that fact?
Ali
9:52 PM
Alice breathes again..
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I felt that I could trust him... He talked to me that night...
Trust is a precious thing
I wrote a story once, when i was in primary 5.
There was once a young boy who went to sleep in his pyjamas. Everynight, a big, fat mosquito would buzz around his ear, whispering to the boy.
"Won't you let me stay inside your ear? The night is cold and i am old. I need a place to rest. I promise i won't bite you, i just need to stop my tired wings."
The boy would get irritated, and with a swish of his hand, chase the big, fat mosquito away.
But the big, fat mosquito persisted.
One day, the boy realised that he has actually become familiar with the bussing of the big, fat mosquito.
"and he's never ever bitten me, not once!"
The boy decided to trust the big, fat mosquito's words.
"ok,"he said, "i trust you, and i will let you rest in my ear."
So the mosquito rested in the boy's ear and they spent the night sleeping peacefully. There was no irritating buzzing, and the mosquito got his rest.
The next morning, the boy awoke with a strange sensation in his ear. He jumped out of bed and rushed to the mirror to inspect it.
There, sitting nicely in a row, were three big, fat and red bumps. The big, fat mosquito had left a goodbye present.
Even at that young age, i knew it was precious.
Thank you for holding my trust with care.
And thank you for making it so easy to trust you..
Ali
9:54 AM
Alice breathes again..
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I'm not the one the sleeper thought he knew...
I've come to a mutual understanding with my cat Ally. We are the same, she and me. And this has led to a peaceful understanding of sorts.
Rule no. 1: We come to you, you do not come to us. When we need you, we will call. If you answer, we will greet and purr and snuggle. If you ignore, we simply walk away.
Rule no. 2: Don't expect affection unless it is first given. We stretch out in front of you, you take in the delightful sight. You can stroke us and talk to us and nurture us. We will respond accordingly depending on several differing factors. But on hindsight, it is better not to expect anything in return at all.
Rule no. 3: I don't ask you to clean my shit, so don't expect me to clean yours. Shit happens, so deal with your own.
Rule no. 4: Never expect us to be where you want us to be. (physically or otherwise) You will always find us somewhere else.
Rule no. 5: Always be on your toes, for we are always watching. Even in slumber, you see our ears twitching, even while feasting you see our eyes roving. So really, don't even think about it.
Ally and me, we know each other... we feel for each other
.
.
.
.
.
and we get lonely with each other...
It is tiring being us. Always alert, always cautious, always hunting for meat.
There can be no rest.
For the mind never sleeps.
But we know who loves us. And to those we are quietly loyal forever. Whether they know it or not... that is another affair...
Ali
5:50 AM
Alice breathes again..
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Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Scene from a memory...
www.ImageShack.us" /a>
Thanks babe... this means more than you can imagine!
Ali
12:13 AM
Alice breathes again..
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Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Behind the disguise... There’s something tearing at her soul…
When two parties come to a quiet agreement, there hardly is a need for too many words.
That missed reply, that sentence left hanging; that unanswered question.
The feeling that you never want to go back to completion because you have both tasted what closure can lead to.
When knowledge has reached its finishing point, and there seems little point in running to understand anymore.
When the knives have all been stabbed and drawn, and the wounds left to heal.
Sometimes you attempt to start the swirling again, picking up the teaspoon and dipping it gingerly into your tea. But then you realize the tea has turned cold, and no amount of stirring will revive its heat. And you set the cup aside. Disappointed that you cannot taste its refreshing sweetness once more, but yet knowing that cold tea would hardly suffice your cravings for warmth.
And all that’s left are thoughts of when you felt safe as pockets.
“There.. safe as pockets..” he said, looking at her and patting his faded levis. And for that second, despite all the running she had done in her life, she felt safe...
~adapted from my beloved memory of Lucy Peale~
Ali
11:22 PM
Alice breathes again..
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I finally feel... At peace with the girl in my dreams...
| Your Brain is 33.33% Female, 66.67% Male |
You have a total boy brain
Logical and detailed, you tend to look at the facts
And while your emotions do sway you sometimes...
You never like to get feelings too involved |
What Gender Is Your Brain?
What do you think?
Ali
10:25 PM
Alice breathes again..
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Move on be brave.. don't weep at my grave.. because i am no longer here..
Get this: Left unattended, obesity will overtake smoking as the leading cause of death in this country. (USA)
Supersize You.
Jared Fogle said it right. The world's not gonna change, you have to.
Stop blaming society. Stop blaming everyone else. Stop making excuses.
And yes, we all know it ain't weight we're talking about here.
Just do it. And freaking live with it.
I'll be the one sitting at your grave. What i wonder is, what will it say on it?
Ali
2:06 PM
Alice breathes again..
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www.ImageShack.us" /a>
