Saturday, July 30, 2005
a bizarre thing happened to me...
while telling me about one of his ex-girlfriends, a fifteen-yr-old boy said this:
"she had legs just like yours, long with brown skin, and shiny, like yours... and i used to ask her can i please lick your chocolate covered legs...?"
all the while alternating his glace between my legs and my eyes.
i have a thing for younger boys, especially 15-yr-olds. They are passionate and pure in their love, and they promise you they'll love you forever and someday marry you.
i just hate them when they grow up.
Ali
12:04 PM
Alice breathes again..
|
Friday, July 29, 2005
most of the time, we are who we hang out with. And today, i was really happy and light hearted. my 2 girl friends came over to help me paint my room and it was a blast!
we managed to complete 3 walls, but if u noe my room, it doesnt just have 4 walls.. ugh.
anyway the night ended with my slicing my index finger and one of my friends being driven to the 24 hr to get 3 stiches in her baby toe. (yes, with alot of howling and dripping blood in between)
as you can see, i tend to leave out details.
oh and this is the latest song i love:
im not okay
im not okay
im not okay
you wear me down
im not okay
im not okay
im not okay
im not okay
im not okay
im not okay
im not okay
im not O-
im not O-fucking-kay
isnt it just so straight to the point?
Ali
12:22 AM
Alice breathes again..
|
Thursday, July 28, 2005
just a thought - suicide is the only thing that allows people to think of themselves first and of others later..
if it was my last hour here
who would i miss
what would i do
who would i still love
who would i hate
who would i fear... still...
death suddenly seems almost a challenge for all who seem to think life is great.
Ali
12:45 AM
Alice breathes again..
|
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Disorder Rating
Paranoid: Very High
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: High
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate
Quick Summary:
Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant. They usually shift blame to other people and tend to carry long grudges.
Symptoms:
Unwillingness to forgive perceived insults
Excessive sensitivity to setbacks
Distrustfulness and excessive self-reliance
Projection of blame onto others
Consumed by anticipation of betrayal
Combative and tenacious adherence to personal rights
Relentlessly suspicious
Quick Summary:
Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.
Symptoms:
Odd or eccentric mannerisms or appearance
Superstitious or preoccupied with paranormal phenomena
Difficult to follow speech patterns
Feelings of anxiety in social situations
Suspiciousness and paranoia
Odd beliefs or magical thinking
Appears shy, aloof, or withdrawn to others
Ali
1:57 PM
Alice breathes again..
|
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Guess what? I'll be going to NEW YORK baby! And possibly spending christmas there.. hopefully my mommy and daddy will be able to join me for christmas or else ill be spending it for the first time, alone, or with a friend flying down from DC.
This is exciting. The whole NY thing has been a roller coaster of dashed hopes but now I think I can say that I'm officially going. And you know what's cool? In Naylor's latest book, Alice took a school trip to New York too.. when i read that i was like omg it's a sign that i will go! And i am!
And depending on where i get to go for my exchange, i may fly there straight from New York...
Hmm.. i suddenly feel abit sad. I'll be gone for 6 months give or take.. i wonder if it will change my life. and i wonder if i want it to.
One thing's for sure, like everyone who's been overseas or whatever for a period, this time will show me who my real friends are... cos im gonna need you.
So you see, im gonna need you..
Stop hurting me can?
Ali
11:47 PM
Alice breathes again..
|
Monday, July 25, 2005
finally it is done. ive submitted my online application for the exchange programme. wah biang i am totally NOT good with admin crap okayy. Shudder...
Aukland
Canterbury
Otago
Paris
Vienna
Mannheim
Okay okay... stop telling me i should have put europe first la. I figured that playing frodo and sam in the hills and fields of NZ will be more rewarding. And everybody keeps telling me to go there and get a Maori boyfriend, that maybe i will learn something about their zest for living! Goodness.. don't love me for who i am issit?! pui!
Great. It is raining. And i have to go out...
Sometimes i wonder who i'd ask for at my dying bed.
Ali
2:37 PM
Alice breathes again..
|
Saturday, July 23, 2005
I've officially caught a cold. After denying a soar throat for the past week and stubbornly coming home at midnights and sleeping at 3s, my body has finally decided to show me its warth. aargh.
My dumb back is still killing me everytime i breathe, my neck that has been mildly sprained since last week is not showing signs of full wellness and my entire upper set of teeth is achinggggg...
I need someone to smother me NOW.
Anyway, on a more exciting note, i just dialled 999! Only about ten minutes ago! I was on the way home, walking along the dark ulu alley that leads to my house alone when i dialled 999. The officer was really nice and friendly - ooh.. men in uniform, they make me feel so safe! There, so whoever i've threatened to call the cops on before, i will really do it! Humph!
So kudos to all our little police boys out there protecting the nation, you guys are really da men. Clap clap...
*****
Oh i had such a fun time today with the cg. I was in charge of renting vcd and i got the movie SAW. Har har har. It is really hilarious (in a good way) to be the only one who has watched the show before. But only this particular show, cos its just so damn complicated. Anyway, watching the show a second time was just as good cos i cant even remember when i last watched it and certain parts were amplified this time round so the WOW factor was still totally there. Those who havent watched - PLEASE DO!
Ali
11:49 PM
Alice breathes again..
|
For you i’d wait till kingdom come…
I really did it this time with crying out love from the centre of the world. (Thank you Mr. D for taking me to watch it!!) One word – cry.
I think love is marriage. It is promising yourself to another forever. Not with words and with actions, but with commitment and sheer resolution. Grit teeth and all.
Those who know me will know that my greatest fear is to be forgotten. Not in the literal sense, but that who I am will be forgotten; through age, through distance, through death. And yet as much as I strive to leave behind memories in one too many people I can’t help but drive them away as well because of the fear of subsiding into the mundane and ordinary. Of stopping the magic of the moment… I feel that if I just left here and now, eternity would be once more preserved and all will be well. There is no resolution for this, for me. I cannot find any.
Love is immortalized when it is unrequited.
When all that is left are the memories of a sweetheart, and an era…
Now thinking about it, my school uniform period is so precious to me. When holding hands was still special and each day is woken up to fresh with the scent of unfulfilled desires. When I was just a girl and he, just a boy. No thoughts of what ifs, no questions of how could yous. Just forever. And forever was good enough for us.
And then I wonder if he remembers.
And then I realize that there is no going back there. That we will never again have the shelter of our world in the confines of a school; that I will never again be the girl who passed his class to get to the loo, and he will never again be the boy who sat right at the back and snuck me notes as I swaggered (haha) past. That there is no more recess break walks or secret rendezvous at the back of the science lab. No more waiting for the bus together, no more gazing into the night sky, head to head, no more running in the sand, and cemetery exploration and foot rubs in the grass, no more nothing. I will never again be teacher’s pet and he, the one they loved to hate.
Like a world that has passed away, relationships die with the forgotten era. They mark a period, a special friendship for that time, but that is it. Nothing more. And all that’s left of it are memories. And I wonder if that is enough, because what happens now?
When there is no world shaped for us, when the world we are in, is the world. When time is no longer marked with significant passages, but simply with its passing. What kind of a relationship does it take to withstand time as it is, this world as it is?
Will I ever again find the excitement to write a love letter, or draw a sketch, or play a piece, or create a moment? Or has that girl died with the era? It isn’t jadedness I’m feeling – it is pure dismay.
But if love is all it is made up to be, perhaps time shouldn’t even be its boundary. Perhaps it shouldn’t need to rely on eras and periods to be defined. Perhaps that’s why they have all passed away, because they were all used as a definitive moment for the self, and not simply left to be as it was meant to be. And it should be forever. If you love someone, then be sure of that and own it. Not the person, but the love you have for that person. If it scares you, then perhaps you are not even ready to face up to it. And if you are not ready to face up to it, don’t even expect the other party to be able to place her full trust in you. I want to be confident of something finally. For forever to be forever, and not for just an era of my life. I want a confidence that will be able to surpass all the phases that I will go through in this life. If you aren’t even confident of that, how can I be?
Sometimes though, like for me and my school uniform sweetheart above, something even more magical happens when two people meet and their souls and minds connect in such a perfect way that even time itself has no rendering on what their intellect can create. And a wonderful working relationship has been created as such. One that combines the magic and energy of our pasts, with the realism and practicality of our presents. And I hope that it will always stay this way for us.
Ali
2:08 AM
Alice breathes again..
|
Friday, July 22, 2005
I cannot stop blogging tonight. Let's try conventional style tonight.
Today i met up with a church friend. It was awkward cos he said he needed to talk with me privately and in an unrushed atmosphere... cos he needed to clarify something with me.
And then i learnt something about myself - if i don't do one to ones so well, i fake it. And it's pretty effective. Simply take on the therapist role and make your objective the comfort of the other party.
And truth be told: Sometimes, honesty is the best policy. Sometimes faking it just isnt the best bet cos it could lead to futher misunderstandings and future resentments. So i was honest. Wow that was scary. I have been such an actress all my life that telling the truth was actually freaky.
And i do lie so well... so so well...
Ok then anyway later i met my leftrightbum and we walked and walked and exchanged shoes and walked sommore. Man it was tiring - we were all prepared to sleep in the pub later.
Oh OH! leftrightbum u might be interested in the following:
Today, i took on the role of the observer as i was in the company of strangers and i realise one thing. I always always attract the attention of the Quiet Guy. In any group setting one of them exists. You know he actually has more to say but he either
1) has the self assurance not to need to say something all the time
2) pathetically believes that no one is interested in his inaudible whispers
Unfortunately i think this Quiet Guy is a big fat no. 2. Bah! (warning ladies: they usually are!)
Ya so anyway, I wonder if at a face value, we all are partnered up accordingly. I mean people always talk about getting picked up by a certain type of guys - and what implication does this have?
I think i had introvert written all over my face tonight. Perhaps that is why.
And i suddenly remembered something i always use as a reason why im not interested in a particular male:
"this one talks too much"
Someone once mentioned to me that i will probably end up with someone where we both speak minimally, but have very active brain work. Because i read people's minds. But then he must be a mind reader too right? But it's very hard to find male mind readers because they think with a different head and can get very easily distracted.
So mine mind reader must not be easily distracted. There. Settled!
And nobody understood how much disclosure i just gave about myself in the above article except myself. Sigh!
And goodnight finally.. BIG HUG!!
Ali
1:16 AM
Alice breathes again..
|
Hello everyone!
I am so loved right now I suddenly feel happy and want to retract all the awful god forsaken entries written before.
Let me count the ways:
1) My Best Friend
2) My Oldest Friend
3) My First Boyfriend
4) My Girlfriends
5) My Sister-in-Christ
6) My Mommy&Daddy
7) My MSN loyals
8) My Car-Club Friend
Grin* Alone? Who said anything about being alone??
Sorry for being such a grumps lately - My brains were put on hold for a sec.
Intellectual Alicia is Back. I am the smartest. I can do anything. Because I've done alot of things. And because my brains can think up anything...
I can do anything.
Heh. Even say it like this:
I can do anything and make it look good =)
Ali
12:49 AM
Alice breathes again..
|
note:
ahh.. been a long time eh? And so the game commences once more my dear, why did you wait so long before hoping on? Or rather, why pretend earlier that you were so different and changed?
We both are the same as before. Only I had the balls to admit it in all honesty. And i don't even have balls.
*****
My turn:
i had so much fun you won't believe it. Im having so much fun you wont envision it. Today i met someone who reminded me why once more...
why not.
Ali
12:25 AM
Alice breathes again..
|
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
and the truth is this:
Some people are borned in this life to spend it alone
And some go on in life pretending they aren't..
Ali
2:29 PM
Alice breathes again..
|
Saturday, July 09, 2005
oh to love and be loved in return.
I believe we are facing a new crisis of this century. It is the crisis of expectation. It is so human to expect to receive all the time it sickens me. Don't tell me about giving love and showing true love and till death us do part when it is all a little scheme in people's minds to receive love for themselves.
Sure, everybody loves to be loved and if you are loved then wonderful, the angels cheer for you. But it is just dispicable to manipulate another into loving you by displaying a showcase of adoration with fireworks and sparkles. Or worst, get another used to the idea of being loved, and then stretch out your pathetic hand and cry give give...
AS IF THE INNOCENT PERSON BEING LOVED HAD OWED YOU SOMETHING.
Please. We are all stronger than this. Don't act like you'll die without love. Romanticm was spawn in the early centuries where it deserved to flourish. Where it was backed up by commitment and giving of the self without the need to receive. In today's day and age, nobody has any right to love. If you want to love, then love properly. Don't love with some evil expectation that you should somehow be loved in return because sorry it just doesnt work that way. The world isn't so loving.
Self-pity is the lowest form of physical mutilation. Man.. so many people are pissing me off these days. (pun intended)
So let me state for the record. There is nothing i can or will ever commit to, so don't even bother trying.
Ali
11:44 AM
Alice breathes again..
|
Friday, July 08, 2005
Last night followed me everywhere i went today.. i had a nice time analyzing every phrase.. kept me entertained for a bit..
that's why i always say its very important to be a great conversationalist
that way you'll never be forgotten..
ours go back a long way.. oh yeah.. we have a whole bunch of quotes huh..? And they just keep on coming..
a whole box won't fit them
we'll need another bigger box to store the overflowing box
or a chest..
a treasure chest..
or a submarine..
haha..
The line between the sacred and the profane is a slim one.
What happens when lovers become business partners?
We'll be perfect.. Because we know each other. I can be the one who encourages and brings people up, and you can be the bitch from hell who sets them in their place every once in a while.
heh.. that one cracked me up.
Ali
1:33 AM
Alice breathes again..
|
Thursday, July 07, 2005
what if terrorists broke your family apart?
I was confronted with this question today when breaking news of the attacks on central london reached my ears.
My sister is in central london.
She rides the tube. Every day.
Within hours of the news my home phone started ringing with calls from concerned friends and relatives.
I hate terrorists. They are really Fed up.. like what the hell is wrong with these people?
Then again i happen to know some people who's minds are totally messed up. I mean i'm insane, but i don't have this innate need to hurt another person. I think people's lives are difficult enough.. don't make it worst.
Life is tough.
terrorists should just dig a huge-ass hole in their god-forsaken land and have mass orgies. That would simulate heaven for them. If they can't wait to get to heaven where they will be rewarded with countless sexual pleasures, so they bomb themselves and others up, then just get it over and done with here man. I mean the sexual pleasures part.
Each new report of countries being broken because of these assFedupholes sickens my stomach. I'd rather be taken over by aliens.
growl!
Ali
9:53 PM
Alice breathes again..
|
can you believe we were 13 once?
.
.
.
.
.
well alicia.. there's no reason why we can't be 13 now..
And it was then, that lucy peale revisited me once more.
"safe as pockets" she whispered in my ear..
"safe as pockets now.."
i think.. i will always belong to you in some ways
.
.
.
.
.
ah.. but not in every way.. and that is what i love about you..
Ali
12:34 PM
Alice breathes again..
|
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Today, a friend i love dearly suggested in a dead serious tone that i see a therapist.
And i promise for the last time that i will not sakao at max's again. It is a fricking waste of money. Oh but it is lovely and truly divine.
Today, i also learnt that i really am a caitlin, not the vix i always thought i was. No wonder i cried bitterly at her funeral celebration.
Today i also contemplated committing adultery in my future marriage.
What an eventful day.
Ali
11:25 PM
Alice breathes again..
|
im sorry.. did i lose my head there for a bit?
Perhaps it is inevitable that once more, that on the pedestal must be knocked down to reality.
And so the packing begins once more. Only this time, there won't be any more self convincing thoughts. Auto-mode must take over again. Like the last one. It has been the second last now then, for the last one is almost disappearing thank God. i was almost worried of scaring. And you do know how i pride my skin.. tsk tsk.
And if the truth be told, that last one, that was the worst of all. For who rips out surgery stitches that have already been partially buried by new, fresh skin. To see the new skin tearing thinly to reveal old worn threads, and then the blood begins. For the old flesh now splits, gently searing in to deeper creavices. And the fresh pores now show, each a gateway to an individual capilary, now pouring out blood from within.
But my surgeon was pretty good looking.
And if i could ever spot a weaker foe, this would be it. Thinking with the wrong head time and time again it creeps up with gentle worlds and words but for who's benefit? not mine i suppose. even though a rabbit hops quietly by and nibbles sweetly beside my ear i see its red red eyes. Thank you that now the words i spoke then can come to pass. A self fulfilling prophesy indeed. Does one defecate only to return to consume that which was rejected by the very body it tried to infect? I think not sir.
One good thing about having your own toilet is that you can keep it clean.
And so in short, when the madness has disappeared and actors are tired of pretending, you will find yourself alone once more. Because you asked for it. And i do mean intrinsically alone. Because i now realise what a mighty position i hold here, even greater than him your only true friend.
tata and good day.
Ali
1:55 PM
Alice breathes again..
|
Monday, July 04, 2005
Today was a very productive day.
Otago
Canterbury
Istanbul
Ecuador
Vienna
Poland
hello world!
And i completed my first outgoing art piece. Finally, it is ready for collection.
Ok important question: Does anybody know Eunice Olsen personally? Please please leave me a tag!
Business as usual. That is such an assumption you think? Refuse business as usual. That is my take. Who has the right to walk into my store and expect to be served? Nobody. You know that irritating feeling you get when you really really want to see something, or show your favourite girlfriends something, or worst, finally decide you have to buy something, and you go the the unsuspecting shop and realise horrors it is closed!!!
Well that is the intended effect.
horrors! she's ___________________??!
So tell me, paris or london?
well, weighing between and old football stadium and a spanking new athletic stadium.
besides, everyone assumes the french are snobs (which personally, i experienced not. they are just very fussy when it comes to paying for toilets). For world peace? London.
Wow. Suddenly attending the olympics seems so achievable on my to-do list.
wth. what have we become? when attending is such a wow. more like participating. now that is a wow. but that is what dreams are made of no?
who has stopped dreaming? please raise your hands.
wah biang.
sometimes our practicality overwhelms our shyness.
Ali
11:28 PM
Alice breathes again..
|
Sunday, July 03, 2005
step by step, heart to heart, left right left, they all fall down...
like toy soldiers...
that's it. i've officially gone bonkers tonight.
don't call don't pass by don't collect 200 don't touch don't expect don't nothing
i'll see you when i see you.
Ali
12:13 AM
Alice breathes again..
|
Saturday, July 02, 2005
I know just how to whisper
And I know just how to cry
I know just where to find the answers
And I know just how to lie
I know just how to fake it
And I know just how to scheme
I know just when to face the truth
And then I know just when to dream
And I know just where to touch you
And I know just what to prove
I know when to pull you closer
And I know when to let you loose
And I know the night is fading
And I know the time's gonna fly
And I'm never gonna tell you
Everything I gotta tell you
But I know I gotta give it a try
And I know the roads to riches
And I know the ways to fame
I know all the rules And I know how to break 'em
And I always know the name of the game
But I don't know how to leave you
And I'll never let you fall
And I don't know how you do it
Making love out of nothing at all
Out of nothing at all
Ali
12:57 PM
Alice breathes again..
|
The Keys to Your Heart |
| You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. |
| In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell. |
| You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. |
| You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. |
| Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. |
| Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. |
| You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it. |
| In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. |
This is a pretty cool quiz cos' all the questions and answers are not obvious to what the result will be.. heh.. credits to June's Blog =)
Ali
12:45 PM
Alice breathes again..
|
